The Horror!

Did you hear? An ambitious, celebrity-craving couple talked their way into the White House!

I mean, the next thing you know, these goofballs will want to be on Oprah, have a weekly TV show, be on every magazine cover, and film a Thanksgiving commercial with Drew Brees. Their faces will be everywhere.

Oh, wait...

I Love the Dos Equis Commercials

I can't help it. "Even when he's on the wrong side of the tracks, he's on the right side." It's like Chuck Norris played by Ricardo Montalban. The conceit is that there's nobody cooler or smarter on the planet than the Spanish guy with the beard.

The commercials are so awesome that the President decided that he had to be in one. So he invited two regular guys and Joe Biden to film it...

Oh, wait, that wasn't it?

See, here's the thing. "The Most Intersting Man in the World" got replaced this week by "The Most Self-Important Man in the World." Thankfully, according to the press, President Obama has healed the nations' racial wounds and moved us past race.

But wait...didn't he do that last summer, too?

Frankly, the whole "post-racial" thing was overblown, much like everything about Obama. Obama is a talented opportunist, a man with the ability to make cutting your own hand off sound perfectly reasonable. But you can only go to the well so many times, like a flamethrowing pitcher who never learns another pitch. Eventually, they catch up to you. And that's started to happen; the Obama Show is wearing itself thin.

Look on the bright side, though, Mr. President. You now have your own little Dos Equis statement: "He can heal the same racial wound...twice."

Sorry About Not Posting More

I've been dodging greedy tonsil-hungry doctors all summer.

A Hundred Million Dollars

"Geithy, we got a problem," the boss said.

"Sir, I'm aware of that. I've been working diligently toward fixing it. Of course, if I had a little more help..."

"Look, I'm getting to that. These e-mails to Jessica Beil aren't going to write themselves, you know," the boss replied. "There's all kinds of problems, though. Do you know about these Pirates?"

"Yes, sir, I have. Terrible situation, but our Seals sure fixed it, eh? Great call," Geithy retorted, smiling. The boss shook his head.

"They're back! I don't believe it! And do you know they took two out of three from the Braves this weekend! I don't even know what they took, but I won't stand for this! Do they have no decency?"

"Sir, I don't think we're talking about the same pirates. The ones you're talking about are in Pittsburgh..."

"They're in Pittsburgh! Oh my God! What are we gonna do? Pirates and those redneck clingers? This is going to be a disaster of epic proportions!"

"Sir, these Pirates play baseball. Not very well, you know."

"Nationalize the Yankees, then. We'll show them that nobody messes with this country, especially with the national pasttime! What'll that take?" The boss looks angry.

Geithy looks confused. "Sir, it would take...I don't know, a hundred million dollars just to pay Alex Rodriguez' salary. And he's just one..."

"Then you got it, Geithy. We're gonna show them. If it takes a hundred million, it takes a hundred million. Figure it out, huh?"

Nothing Says Egomania

Like giving the Queen of England (not Great Britain or the UK, apparently) an IPod with your own speeches on it.

On the other hand, nothing seems more craven than a bow this deep to the Saudi King:



You know, someone related a story to me recently. The first time the Kennedys met the British monarch, Jackie asked the Chief of Protocol (which the Obamas didn't even know existed) if she should curtsey to the Queen. He replied no, that spouses and heads of state do not curtsey to heads of state. Several years later, after the assassination, she met the Queen again, and did curtsey. Her response was, "I'm no longer the spouse of a head of state."

Over their heads much? Yeah. Clueless bumbling amateurs.

Scenes From The White House

The door opens. Its Axelrod. The President is kicked back in his office. Its a balmy 80 degrees inside. His shoes are off, and he's playing Madden on the XBox.

"Mr. President," Axelrod says. He waits. Nothing.

"Mr. President," Axelrod says again. Still nothing. He pulls a tape recorder from his pocket, and presses the PLAY button.

"BARRY!!!!!" comes the shrill voice from the recorder. This snaps the president awake from his daze.

"You gotta stop doing that, bro," the President says to Axelrod. "Man, I thought she was really here. That tech is sweet huh? We need to get some of that to the CIA."

"Yes, sir, I'll see to it. Um, sir, about those Treasury appointments..." Axelrod trails off.

"What is it this time, man? I've got the Bears in the playoffs here. I'm a freaking savant at this!"

"Sir, there seems to be a problem with a couple of them."

"What? Is it taxes again? Sheesh, do we need to nationalize Turbotax while I'm here?"

Axelrod looks frumpled. "Sir, it's not taxes. Its..." he trails off for a moment. "Sir, Mike Tirico, Tony Romo, Stan Van Gundy, and Skip Bayless. Really, sir. You can't be serious."

"What? They all have made serious bank. And that's what we need in these uncertain times, bro. We have to give Geity all the help he can get. I mean, come on! Skip Bayless has got to know something about making money. He's always talking about the NBA and stuff on ESPN. That's where you go for your money news, right, Ax Man?"

"Sir, if you could turn the game off for a minute..."

"Not a chance, man. Those sweet offseason moves I made are paying off now. McNabb and Owens together again, baby! All it cost was my entire draft the next two years! Huh! What about that, huh? Freaking awesome is what it is! Anything you got to say to me, you can say in front of Al and John."

"Sir, I must protest this. First of all, they aren't qualified, second, they haven't even been told they're being nominated."

"What? Can't they just do one of those 'I'm honored just to be nominated' things? Isn't that what people do when they get up for one of these awards?"

"Sir, these are not awards..."

"Sure they are. I'm awarding them for making a lot of loot. They're gonna help us all make loot. Now scram, Ax Man. I gotta e-mail Scarlett Johansen. You know she's up for a part in Iron Man 2? That's gonna be sweet. Then I gotta upload some pics on Facebook. Busy day, man, busy day. Hey, on your way out, could you turn up the heat a little bit? I'm from Hawaii, you know. These DC springs, man, they are something."

"Sir, what about the visit by the Japanese Emperor?"

"What about it? Go give him some chopsticks or something. I got things to do. Just let me know when the big goofy 'tard gets here, ok? Speilberg is coming in with the rough cut of Transformers 2 this afternoon. We can't get bogged down with the little stuff, you get me?"

Axelrod sighs. "Yes sir, I get you."

Who Ever Could Have Imagined

That the most powerful man in the world was not the president, but the guy who loads his teleprompter? Seriously, in eight years, did George W. Bush read the wrong speech to the Irish Prime Minister, and thank himself for giving a dinner? Or make a retard joke on Leno?

We have elected a mountebank for a president. Arrogant, brash and uncouth. A moron with a gift for reading whatevers put in front of him. We elected Ron Burgundy president.

Somehow, you know this is going to end in "Go F*&% yourself, San Diego."

Dear Mr. Steele,

On behalf of conservatives everywhere...please stop talking. Learn a lesson that Our Beloved President hasn't. When you're at the bottom of a pit, that's the point where you stop digging.

Amateur Hour Comes to the White House

By now, you have doubtless heard that the President and his handlers severely bungled British Prime Minister Gordon Brown's state visit last week. While President Messiah was given a number of really, really cool gifts (like a pen holder that was carved from the HMS Gannet, a ship once known as the HMS President, a ship whose purpose was to interdict slave ships, and sister ship to the HMS Resolute, which the president's desk is carved from-and the framed commission of the Resolute, Prime Minister Brown's other gift).

Of course, our President and his crack staff, who have such wonderful judgement and temperment, if you'll remember, gave the Prime Minister a set of 25 DVDs. While a nice gift, its not the kind of thing you give to a foreign head of government-especially when American-format DVDs will not play in a British-format DVD player!

Add this to the two weeks they spent basically making the Supreme Commander the First Enemy, which was about as productive as I am in a deer stand, while the economy and our financial institutions continued sliding deeper into recession. David Axelrod, the brains behind the Dear Leader, admitted as much on Fox News Sunday this weekend.

I remember when the transition was called "The Smoothest Ever." But now, the treasury has exactly one of its appointed positions filled-Tim Geithner. I know I'm stoked that Timmy Turbotax is working diligently by himself to try to get us out of our credit-induced hole. And then, last week, we got the report that the President is "overwhelmed" by the financial crisis, and that he could give a fig about foreign affairs. One of his aides even told the British they were nothing special! And this is the country that is our best ally!

Amateurs. Bumblers. There is no learning curve in the Presidency. You don't get points for trying real hard. Even if you are the Secular Messiah.

Stop Me If You've Heard This One

Barry Messiah nominated someone with tax problems. I know, I know...first Geithner, then Daschle, then whats her name...and now Ron Kirk, US Trade Representative, seems to have underpaid taxes by 10 grand since 2005.

I guess it was another honest mistake.

No wonder Democrats love higher taxes-they aren't paying them.

How To Spend A Trillion Dollars Without Really Trying

Little known fact: You could spend a million dollars a day every day from the birth of Christ til today and not spend as much money as Barry Messiah, Nan From San Fran, and Dingy Harry managed to cram through in two days.

The laundry list of problems I have with it is, of course, about as long as our President is on promise (though it would be nice if he was longer on delivery...pretty short so far). It was cobbled together in a back room filled with ideological homogenity, made unsearchable by its opponents, and was provided to the lobbyists on K Street (remember the good old days of...2008...when lobbyists were bad people? Why, even the Golden Boy himself decried lobbyists!) before it was provided to the members of Congress...

And of course, the awesomeness of it being passed at the start of tax season.

Never mind, too, that its short on actually creating jobs (oh, wait, we've morphed that into "save or create jobs!" so that all of the 500 million people who are losing their jobs this month according to the Speaker can be grateful to the government). Never mind that its short on the promised infrastructure improvements, or the technological upgrades, and that welfare as we knew it is back, baby. But its ok, we're told: Something had to be done, and this is definitely something!

Then again, so is a big, steaming pile of cow dung.

You know, General Patton once said that a good plan executed right now is better than a great plan executed 15 minutes from now. I get the feeling that General Patton wouldn't have thought all those millions for a mouse was a good plan for saving jobs, however.

Hope and Change, people. You are the ones we've been waiting for. Blah blah blah. Anybody out there ever heard the phrase "buyer's remorse?" Look it up, Oh Followers of the One. As for me, I think I have said caveat emptor once or twice.

Congratulations Pittsburgh Steelers....

You get to do what every team dreamed about in the heat of July and August, the pinnacle of your profession. Nay, the pinnacle of the human experience. It might be the greatest feeling in the world. All the hours of film study, the grueling sprints, the aching arms after lifting weights, the blood spilled in the trenches, and the long hours recovering....

You get to meet Barack Obama!

Yeah, he wasn't president yet when you got to camp, or when you signed your contract. But despite the fact that you are paid well for playing a game (in fact, even the lowest paid member of the team makes more than Barry), and that you are living out your lifelong dream of playing in the NFL and being part of its best team, the real highlight of the long, grueling, 20-week NFL season is that sometime in the summer, you will get an audience with the One. Perhaps he will even shake your hand! Its enough to send a tingle up your leg a la Chris Matthews.

Thank you, SI.com, for giving us this great insight into the mental workings of a 10-year-old girl with her first crush.

I Have Learned So Much Today

Today, I learned that it's ok to be proud of your country.

How do I know this? ESPN is covering the inauguration. As you know, Constant Readers, I just loooove when the Worldwide Brainwasher gets into the political arena. I love it as much as I love mixing wine with beer. Interviews abound!

But hey, everything is now ok. America is good again! You can wave a flag that's not upside down! Hollywood can once again make movies about how good Americans are! George Clooney can play a government operative who isn't a slimeball! The world loves us again! The president likes sports! HE'S JUST LIKE YOU AND ME!

(On the last one: Rome, you're a dummy. "How nice is it to have a president who is a sports fan in office?" Um, did you forget the years that GWB OWNED the Texas Rangers? How about Bill Clinton's numerous bits on your own network about his love for sports, especially pickup basketball? What about college baseball player George H. W. Bush? Or former college football players Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon, and John Kennedy? What about former All-American football player Gerald Ford? High school basketball star Jimmy Carter? How many presidents aren't sports fans? The fellatio has reached a new level of stupidity.)

Worship and adore him.

Oh Blago, You So Crazy

The Illinios Felon-in-Cheif has named former Illinios AG Roland Burris to replace President-Elect Messiah in the Senate.

You gotta love it. Nothing like keeping the scandal on the front pages, Blago. A millstone around the neck of Barry Messiah, and now Harry Reid too, who pledged never to seat anyone appointed by Blago. The man sure knows how to put some bleeping people in their bleeping places.

Fight on Blago. Fight on.

Blago Going Down

UPDATE: It seems (thanks to the fine folks at NRO for pointing this out) that unlike Mississippi, there is no law in Illinios preventing the governor from running the state from outside of it. So Blago could skip off to Rio and still legally appoint Barry's successor.

I'm not going to attempt to spell the Governor of Illinois' name.

But here we are a month and change (change hope change!) from the election, and one thing has stayed constant: Illinois politicians going to prison.

Oh sure, Blago isn't convicted yet, but its about as open-and-shut as Charles Manson's case. Add to it the fact that the President-Elect's senate seat was for sale, with a cast of thousands participating (including Jesse Jackson, Jr and Emil Jones, the political benefactor of a certain former Illinois state senator), the Chicago Cubs and the Chicago Tribune, the team's parent company, the promise of being named a Cabinet secretary, and the shaking down of a Children's Hospital (but its for the children!), and this is wonderful political theatre.

Barry Messiah, President-Elect, calls it saddening. Yeah, pretty sad that a good friend of yours goes down after calling you everything but a child of God while trying to auction off your old job for six- and seven-figures. I mean, can he not muster righteous indignation when he realizes he's been duped by Blago? And being called a...well, come on. You can get pissed. Nobody will blame you.

Patrick Fitzgerald, when can you get to Jackson? It seems we need someone who'll actually investigate corruption from public officials, and how they shake down folks for money. I can think of someone who'd hate to say "Hello, Darlin'" to you.

People wondered why he kept appointing Clintonites for Cabinet posts. They're choirboys compared to the cesspool of Chicago politics...the one that Barry Obama, President-Elect, emerged from.

We Are Not A Cult, Holiday Edition

Yes, You Are.

http://cjonline.com/stories/110908/loc_353922770.shtml

Normally, This Is Where They Plead With You To Vote...

...for someone, anyone. I don't want to insult your intelligence by saying that. You know from a quick scan down the page my opinion on the election.

Plain and simple, Barack Obama is exactly the wrong man.

From his tax plan that doesn't make any sense if you actually pay attention to it (because its not a tax increase if we just let the tax cuts expire!), to his left-wing judicial philosophy, to his seeming lack of concern about the threat of Islamic extremism, to his pie-in-the-sky plans to spend every dollar he can get his hands on, he's a nightmare candidate.

Let's not even touch on the cult-like devotion, the egocentrism, the Great Seal of Obamaland, et al.

John McCain isn't perfect. But I can guarantee you that spending won't go through the roof, that judges won't be making stuff up on the fly, and that the mullahs will be scared every time he gets on TV.

In a time full of uncertainty, it is not the time to be giving the Big Job to a guy whose main qualification for the office is that he speaks well.

Old King Coal Was A Merry Old Soul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hdi4onAQBWQ

Vote for him at your own peril, coal staters. Or people who like electricity.

You Want to Take On The Plumber?

You take on one of us free thinkers, you take on all of us. What the left has put the guy through-for asking a question of their Messiah-is disgusting. I am Joe.

We Are Not A Cult, Currency Edition

Since Obama doesn't look like the presidents on the currency, let's put him on a coin:

http://www.birminghampost.net/birmingham-business/birmingham-business-news/business-entrepreneurship/2008/09/16/birmingham-firm-strikes-barack-obama-presidential-coin-65233-21832869/