We Report, You Laugh Hysterically

I know this morning there was lots of crying from the Franks people.

--Us here at the Tank, last night, upon reading the CL's endorsement of Phil Bryant

The best parody is self-parody. When I predicted weeping and nashing of teeth from the Franks people, I thought that they'd at least do it in private, and not dare the state's preeminent political journalist (change your adult diaper, Minor-I'm not talking about you) to publish a critical, rambling, whiny letter in his blog. Yet today, we find that they didn't take it near as well as I thought they might. See Sid Salter's blog entry today:

http://www.clarionledger.com/misc/blogs/ssalter/sidblog.html

We've said for a long time the Franks campaign was in trouble. The main problem with the Franks camp, in my mind, has always been Mr. Franks; but apparently the whole darn group of them is outside of their minds when it comes to critical press coverage, which they've had so very little of during the campaign. If there was any way that the Clarion Ledger could justify endorsement of a Democrat, they'd do it. The problem was that the more Mr. Franks opened his mouth ("Crime is not a real issue," "My clients weren't guilty," "I can't recall that case," "I don't know anything about that," "He won't debate me," "Queers," "Whip your ass," etc) the less people liked him.

It's apparent the candidate surrounded himself with a bunch of people who thought the same way that he does: That power can be achieved through bullying, harrassment, and ruthlessness. The letter Sid published in his blog today reflects that perfectly. We've seen that here on this blog, as well:

Allow me, if I may be so bold, as to impart to you a tale of rancid putrid desperation at its finest. This is a story, not about Mr. Franks, but about a man obsessed with him—the chronicle of *REDACTED*—an effete *REDACTED* driven to madness by his hatred for Mr. Franks.My point is this, *REDACTED*: If a you have such loathing in your heart for one man (Mr. Franks), and such a yearning deep in your loins for another (Jeremy Martin)—should you be allowed to continue *REDACTED* of our fine state?

And if you missed that, what about this:

...your utter cowardice when asked to account for your own identity, let alone whatever might be wrong with it...If you’re so ashamed of the man you’ve become that you can’t even handle signing your work, a skill that even most kindergarteners seem to have mastered, then clearly your problems extend far beyond any threat I could make....Please do me a favor and call him up on his cell phone (REDACTED) or at REDACTED (REDACTED), call up REDACTED

So this isn't something new, Sid. This is something that's been going on for some time and is probably not going to change anytime soon. I'm glad to have company amongst those who have been harrassed, libeled, cussed and cajoled by the Franks people. You join me, Jeremy Martin, JT and Dave, Paul Gallo, Mark DuVall, Donnie Epps, and countless others. We'll invite you to the club meeting sometime. You'll enjoy it.

Bryant-Franks, the Debate Part 3 (A Parody)

A Classroom Setting, with Bryant on one side, with advisors, and Franks, opposite.

Franks: The following charges are brought: First, that the Phil Bryant Campaign did knowingly violate the rules governing Mississippi Elections by mentioning the Democrat's record to voters during election season and after established free speech hours.

Steve Guyton: I'd like to address these charges one at a time, if l may.

Steve Holland: You'll get your chance, smart guy. [to Franks] Get on with it.

Hampton: Second, that for the twelfth consecutive year, Phil Bryant has achieved a deficient auditing of pork barrell lamebrained projects.

Guyton: We're the only department that actually cared about the beef plant.

Steve Holland: You will speak when you're told to, and not before! [to Franks) Read.

Franks: Third, that the State Auditor routinely provided dangerous narcotic diet pills to its employees during--

Guyton: That's not true!

Steve Holland: Not another word!

Franks: During tax preparatory week. And most recently...that a campaign party was held from which we have received two dozen reports of individual acts of campaign contributions so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bryant: Point of parliamentary procedure!

Guyton: Don't screw around, they're serious this time!

Bryant: Take it easy, I'm pre-law.

Tate Reeves: I thought you were pre-med.

Bryant: What's the difference?

Bryant: Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we enforced a few laws, or didn't take a few liberties with our job responsibility - we did. [winks at Steve Holland] But you can't hold a whole department responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals in the legislature. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole Mississippi political system? And if the whole Mississippi political system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our state institutions in general? I put it to you, David Hampton - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but I for one am not going to stand here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America! Gentlemen!

[Leads the Republicans out of the hearing, all humming the Star-Spangled Banner]

Hampton: Order!

Holland: You've done it this time buster! No more State Auditor! I'm calling the national Republican office! I'm going to revoke your auditor's credentials! And if you wiseguys do one more thing, one more, I'll kick you off this election! No more elections of any kind!

An English Lesson

See, the English language is complicated. There are billions of English speakers worldwide yet only Chinese is ranked as a harder language to learn by experts. In many languages, there are genders assigned to specific objects (learning them in Spanish is a killer, let me tell you). In English, we use the past, present and future tense for things. You can describe what has happened, what is happening, or what is going to happen. But you can only predict the last one. And when you say, as Mr. Franks did in yesterday's Columbus Commercial Dispatch, that "The people have spoken," and that any veto "will be overridden" you're treading awful close to Ms. Cleo territory. It's in regard to the manufactured Tax Swap Issue, one that, of course, is so poorly thought out and championed mainly by a) newspaper editorial boards, and 2) 'populist yellow dog Democrats' looking for an issue that might drag Haley Barbour down (especially after the Ethics fiasco that blew up in Mr. Franks' partner's face). In fact, the people have not spoken; they will not for another week or so. Naturally, Mr. Franks expresses concern that ad valorem taxes will go up if education is not fully funded. Well, gosh, what exactly is going to take the place of sales taxes for cities if that's cut? Here's another issue: Mississippi is the poorest state in the Union, meaning per capita we have more people who fall under the poverty line than any other state. This means, of course, they pay little to no federal or state taxes. For many-including illegal immigrants-the sales tax is the only tax they pay. It's more fair than income taxes, and I'm sure most people-at least the sane ones, anyway-will agree on that one. He goes on in the Commerical Dispatch to talk about ethics. Once again, that's like getting sex ed taught to you by the Pope. We're talking about a man who's law partner sits on the Ethics commission, who made a shady deal with the AG to get his opponent in the 2003 election arrested, and then claimed to have no knowledge of it, despite claims to the contrary made by him in the Daily Journal when it happened! We're also talking about a man who's promised his support to just about every candidate with a D by their name running for his old seat, and who's claimed that the beef plant was the fault not of he and his cronies, but of the one guy who did something about it! A man who sued schools and businesses he represented in the legislature! Of course, there's the repeated line about not serving a single politician or political party. That's actually half true. Mr. Franks would be serving numerous politicians-Billy McCoy, Steve Holland, Compretta, Percy Watson, Cecil Brown, Gloria Williamson... The best line, though, comes at the end.

They want their candidates to fulfill their dreams; they want their candidates to have the life they never had.

Oh, isn't this rich...just like Mr. Franks! No, Mr. Franks, candidates aren't there to fulfill my dreams. They're in office to spend my money wisely, honestly, and pass laws beneficial to the populace. Besides, my dreams include living in the Keys listening to Jimmy Buffet without a care in the world. Are you gonna make that one happen? And do I want candidates to live the life I never had? Is this you fishing for a raise next year? What is this, lifestyles of the rich and famous? Where's Paris Hilton when you need her? If that means that they'll get rich off of other people's suffering, off of the sweat of their neighbors, and live high on the hog because of it, the answer's a resounding "no" from this quarter. * And by the way, to the young lady who wrote the article on Mr. Franks and his meeting with the CD's editorial board, their is no 'incumbent candidate,' despite what the rube in front of you at the time said.

The Most Appropriate Description

Someone on another forum-and it escapes me who-once called Mr. Franks a 'confident liar.' It takes real stones to say something into the camera that you know isn't true and deliver it like it's written on stone tablets by the finger of God. And there has never been a more appropriate description when it comes to Mr. Franks. As his latest attempt to drag himself into the race for Lt. Governor, he's claimed that his opponent is afraid to 'distort' his record (such as it exists) to his face, despite the fact that they've appeared at the same forum several times!

Yes, the description of Mr. Franks as a 'confident liar' is certainly apt. One wonders, though, how long it will take the Bobby Harrisons and David Hamptons to jump on the bandwagon. Probably only as long as it takes to pick up their pom-poms.

I Weep for the Candidate

Seriously, Jamie Franks Jr. is crying because Phil Bryant is mean? Jamie Franks Jr. is one of the dirtiest campaigners in this state. He's stolen campaign signs and burned them-just ask his first opponent (the man he once so ironically told people didn't need to be elected because "we don't need another lawyer in Jackson"). He and his cronies have spread vicious rumors about his opponents in other races-just ask Mark Duvall, who was called a homosexual. How about Jeremy Martin, who was blackballed from Lee County schools, called a phony teacher, and ended up in jail? Oh, yeah-Mr. Franks doesn't know anything about that.

I weep for him as he stands on the steps of his church-that's the one that he got his morals from, not the national Democrat or Republican party, mind you-and says Mean ole Phil is going negative. Never mind he swore through one of his schills that he'd never go negative, then threw the first dirt.

And that church? It preaches against alcohol and against gambling. It's where he got his morals from, if you'll remember. Yet the candidate didn't refuse thousands from beer companies and the gaming industry. But I guess they granted him a special exemption or something from his moral obligations on those issues.