Journal Endorses McCoy for Speaker

I wonder who they will endorse for Senate President Pro Temp. Let me get this straight: The Newspaper of Record for Tupelo couldn't endorse a candidate for Lt. Governor, but they feel the need to do so for Speaker of the House? That's awesome. When do we get to vote? What? You mean the Speekah is elected by the membership of the House and not by the people of the state of Mississippi? When did this happen? You mean that the Newspapers of Record for both Tupelo and Jackson have endorsed someone that 122 people get to vote on? Quick, someone tell them that the Hickory Flat Student Council elections are coming up. Might want to get in on that endorsement while it's hot. Has Daily Kos put out a poll on that hot topic? The newspaper industry becomes more of a joke every day.

Claim of the Day, October 20-21, 2007

"I've been responsible for the updating of the Mississippi Constitution."

Franks on the Record (A Parody)

1) Why are you best qualified to lead the Mississippi State Senate in the next term as lieutenant governor?

Well, first of all, Steve and Billy think I'd do an awesome job. Second, I'm in good health, which makes me an even more attractive candidate. Third, I like money-I'd like to have some more of it. The job pays well. I think that's a perfect match. Fourth, Steve told me that I get to whip the ass of a queer every week. It's in the constitution or something.

2) What issues separate you from your opponent and define your campaign?

I don't own a bunch of Liberace and Elton John records like he does, for starters. That's big right there. He hates Jesus. I know that for a fact. He hates old people, the poor and kids. I have it on good authority he hates his own children. He likes to ramble on about things like "physical responsibility" and "budges" like anyone knows what those have to do with state government. Plus he talks like Haley Barbour doesn't have cooties. Barbour is a good man, but he does have cooties. Billy told me so.
Also I know how to pass a law. I was a committee chairman. Billy gave me a big ole gavel and I hit it a bunch. It takes 62 votes to pass a law. Phil doesn't know that. Steve told me Hob would help me in the senate cause it's different and stuff. It takes like 20 or something there.

Third, I'll be totally independent. Billy and Steve said they'd handle all the hard stuff, I'd just have to hit the gavel. It's bigger than my chairman gavel. I've been hitting the weights for a long time to handle it.

3) You've been attacked as "too liberal for Mississippi" in recent TV ads. Based on your record, why are those charges unfair or unfounded?

Yeah, it's unfair. I mean, anyone can charge people with being liberal. Steve says we aren't, anyway. That should settle it for most people. Sure, I gave money to John Kerry and Al Gore, just about the federal maximum, but they're just going to be president and stuff. It's not like they were going to push for gay rights or something. I've banned gay marraige and adoption and soon I'll ban gay people with my 'whip the ass of a queer' legislation. I mean, they were against abortion and didn't want to take peoples' guns. Bill swore they'd never do anything like that. And we all know that they wouldn't have raised taxes-they'd have just readjusted the rates to the Clinton ones from 2000. I mean, it sounds the same as a tax hike, but it's not. I don't know why people think I voted for wasteful spending. The beef plant was the Nissan for rural Mississippi. We're so pleased with it. That's just good economic investment.

4) You voted for the beef plant. You said yesterday that your opponent had a significant role in the plant's failure. How should the voters fairly judge both candidates based on the beef plant's failure?

I think I shouldn't be judged on it at all. We had the best of intentions. Sure, we didn't listen to anyone who knew anything about economics and agriculture, and we appropriated money to a guy who'd failed at the same thing elsewhere. Anyone could make that mistake. It was an honest one. Now Phil? I think he has a man-crush on Richard Hall and the contractor guy. I mean, it's not like he investigated it with the feds or anything. Plus, Jim always wanted to play detectives. You know Bilbo used to do it all the time. He'd pretend to do something bad to get someone else in trouble. We love Bilbo. I liked the movie about the rings. Those little guys were so cute. But they were probably gay for each other. And that's not right.

5) You sued the Itawamba County School District and Fair View Junior High.

I don't know anything about that.

6) Your name is on the paperwork.

Listen queer, I don't know anything about that. If you ask about it again I'll whip your ass.

7) Jeremy Martin-

I don't know who that is.

8) He was your opponent in 2003. You outspent him 4-1 and barely won.

Quit that. Everyone knows I was so loved that no one would run against me.

9) He ended up in jail just months after the race. In the Daily Journal, you claimed to have turned him in after a constituent informed you of financial improprieties, and you turned it over to the Attorney General.

If he went to jail, it's because he's a butt bandit. Butt bandits should go to jail. I didn't have anything do do with that.

10) You were quoted in the paper-

Listen, paperboy, I didn't do nothing. Not another word about it.

11) The Osama lawsuit...

You must hate America if you don't want me to sue Osama.
12) Is crime an issue?

No. There is no crime in district 19 because people are afraid I'll whip their ass if they step out of line. When I'm Lt. Governor, there will be no crime at all.

13) We pundits at the Clarion Ledger think, without the benefit of a poll, that the race appears to be tightening. How do you like your chances at victory at this point?

Steve and Billy say Phil's scared, and I believe them. They tell me I'm good looking, and young, but not in a queer way, cause if they did, I'd whip their ass. I think I'm gonna win and win big, because nobody in their right mind would vote for a queer who hates Jesus and grandma like Phil Bryant.

A Lesson in Government

It seems that our esteemed Attorney General and State Rube Samson doesn't understand the system of checks and balances set up in both the US Constitution and the Mississippi Constitution. So, free of charge, I'm providing this lesson for him. I promise, nobody's going to pay me $14 million for helping, fellow travellers. See, we have three branches of government, Samson. The Executive Branch (that's you, oh folicled one) is charged with enforcing the law. In Mississippi, we have an attorney general that's elected to enforce the law. The second is the legislative branch, which is supposed to write the law that the executive branch enforces. The executive branch's head in Mississippi is weak on purpose; his proclamation power is necessarily weak. The legislative branch holds the power of the purse strings, allocating money as it sees fit (and, admittedly, sometimes it's discretion is a little...um...off-kilter). The last branch is the judicial branch. Their job is to interpret the law and determine punishment when its broken. In a vestige of Jacksonian democracy (that's the guy the city is named for, not the city itself) here in Mississippi almost all of our judges are elected. But here's Samson's problem: He wants to be in all three branches at once. See, he's already charged with enforcing the law. But that's not enough for the State Rube (who doesn't know if federal law or rulings of a federal judges applies in our fair state. Um, check the US Constitution's Supremacy Clause for that one). But, Samson wants to be in the Judicial branch too, as you can tell by his constant issuing of "Attorney General's Opinions," in which he and his predecessor sought to interpret the law in the stead of a judge. Admittedly, this is within his job as the state's lawyer-though neither he nor his predecessor sought so much responsibility in this function of the office when it didn't suit them. Lastly, he's taken upon himself to award monies that are rightfully the state's to third parties, such as The Partnership for a Healthy Mike Moore. That, as we've already seen, is the purview of the Legislative branch. You know, for someone who supposedly knows the law, Samson sure doesn't seem to understand how our system works. Especially the parts about checks and balances and separation of powers. But hey-he does have lots of hair, and the Daily Journal sure likes him a lot. I guess that makes up for messing up cliches. But remember, Jimmy, if you didn't have a D by your name, Marty Russell would make fun of your intelligence.

Just saw Samson's new commercial

And, speaking as someone who wasn't very good in shop class, I can safely say that it's not a good idea to try to weld without your mask on. But you're an experienced craftsman, not me-I'm sure you know better.

I noticed a couple of claims missing, though: "I hand out money to campaign contributors. I work to keep my supporters out of jail. I don't know if federal judges can rule on Mississippi law. I do most of my work in election years. I prosecute schoolteachers."

"Claim of the Day" August 3, 2007

"You know that our Mississippi Constitution is a precious, perfect document. We have surrendered too much authority to the tyranical rule of Haley Barbour. This isn't what was intended for our state in the constitution. After all, I know because I wrote the Mississippi Constitution."

A Bit from Jacinto

So much to blog on, so little time....

First off, as the header suggests, Jacinto. The annual event at the old county seat of Tishomingo County was held over last week, and our favorite poster boy for bingo money and frivolous lawsuits was present and speaking. Of course, this is a Tank exclusive; the media in this state avoid directly listening to Mr. Franks as much as they can. One can only reflexively vote and support people only so long, especially after hearing the exact same stump speech for twelve years. You'd think a man who's a multi-millionare could afford to pay someone to write a new gimmick for him, but you'd be wrong.

Apparently, shockingly to most of us who know him, Mr. Franks is not an attorney, who got his JD at Mississippi College, and practiced for a time with Shelton & Associates in Tupelo. No, this is wrong. He certainly doesn't practice law with good buddy Bill Wheeler at Wheeler & Franks. Mr. Franks is a horticulturalist, owner of his own lawnmowing business. This comes as a shock to anyone who's been served on his behalf (I'm looking at you, Osama). Of course, his claim to being a professional lawn mower might be countered by a few doctors in Tupelo who are still awaiting lawn work from 1993. No wonder he opposes tort reform-otherwise, those doctors would have time to file paperwork on him instead of worrying about malpractice suits.

Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia.

Second: Mr. Franks opposes Gay Marraige, and wants to ban it. I guess someone should have told him that the state's constitution has banned it since 2004, when it was voted in with huge popular support (around 80%). I guess if I were a Democrat, I'd try to block out 2004 as well. Of course, he supported banning it in state statute for years prior to the ammendment; just ask him, he was instrumental in getting the ban passed into the state code. That's right: He wants to ban Gay Marraige for a third time. I'm against it as well, but I don't think we need to ban it a third time. Seems counterproductive to me. Of course, if we were talking about banning marraige between illegal immigrants for a third time, the JSU professors and the Clarion-Ledger might think we were bigots.

Third: Apparently, unbeknownst to all of us, there was a humungoloid change in the Mississippi Constitution when Haley Barbour took office in 2004. It seems that Devil Haley Barbour made people vote for him and his unconstitutional constitution in the 2003 elections. Little did we know that this constitution would make him an ironclad dictator, his political will unchallenged throughout the state, akin to Huey Long with a penchant for walking. Why, he's forced the legislature to declare the Teddy Bear the state toy. What kind of monster is he? I suppose that's the reason we need an independent (read: Someone who'll take his orders from Billy, Steve, and JP without complaining) Lt. Governor.

Of course, last I checked, his appointive power was limited, and the legislature still had most of the power in the arrangement outlined in our Constitution (you know, the one that we've had since 1891). The governor of this state is only as strong as he is popular, and that's the problem Franks has with Barbour. Heck, you'd think he was running against the governor as much as he talks about him. I suppose it's easier to run against Haley than run on your accomplishments. Like...um...the car tag thing...and....uh...banning gay marraige...and...spending $14 million on an election for a flag....and...uh....uh....