Sunday, March 22, 2009

Scenes From The White House

The door opens. Its Axelrod. The President is kicked back in his office. Its a balmy 80 degrees inside. His shoes are off, and he's playing Madden on the XBox.

"Mr. President," Axelrod says. He waits. Nothing.

"Mr. President," Axelrod says again. Still nothing. He pulls a tape recorder from his pocket, and presses the PLAY button.

"BARRY!!!!!" comes the shrill voice from the recorder. This snaps the president awake from his daze.

"You gotta stop doing that, bro," the President says to Axelrod. "Man, I thought she was really here. That tech is sweet huh? We need to get some of that to the CIA."

"Yes, sir, I'll see to it. Um, sir, about those Treasury appointments..." Axelrod trails off.

"What is it this time, man? I've got the Bears in the playoffs here. I'm a freaking savant at this!"

"Sir, there seems to be a problem with a couple of them."

"What? Is it taxes again? Sheesh, do we need to nationalize Turbotax while I'm here?"

Axelrod looks frumpled. "Sir, it's not taxes. Its..." he trails off for a moment. "Sir, Mike Tirico, Tony Romo, Stan Van Gundy, and Skip Bayless. Really, sir. You can't be serious."

"What? They all have made serious bank. And that's what we need in these uncertain times, bro. We have to give Geity all the help he can get. I mean, come on! Skip Bayless has got to know something about making money. He's always talking about the NBA and stuff on ESPN. That's where you go for your money news, right, Ax Man?"

"Sir, if you could turn the game off for a minute..."

"Not a chance, man. Those sweet offseason moves I made are paying off now. McNabb and Owens together again, baby! All it cost was my entire draft the next two years! Huh! What about that, huh? Freaking awesome is what it is! Anything you got to say to me, you can say in front of Al and John."

"Sir, I must protest this. First of all, they aren't qualified, second, they haven't even been told they're being nominated."

"What? Can't they just do one of those 'I'm honored just to be nominated' things? Isn't that what people do when they get up for one of these awards?"

"Sir, these are not awards..."

"Sure they are. I'm awarding them for making a lot of loot. They're gonna help us all make loot. Now scram, Ax Man. I gotta e-mail Scarlett Johansen. You know she's up for a part in Iron Man 2? That's gonna be sweet. Then I gotta upload some pics on Facebook. Busy day, man, busy day. Hey, on your way out, could you turn up the heat a little bit? I'm from Hawaii, you know. These DC springs, man, they are something."

"Sir, what about the visit by the Japanese Emperor?"

"What about it? Go give him some chopsticks or something. I got things to do. Just let me know when the big goofy 'tard gets here, ok? Speilberg is coming in with the rough cut of Transformers 2 this afternoon. We can't get bogged down with the little stuff, you get me?"

Axelrod sighs. "Yes sir, I get you."

No comments: