Headline: Raging Egomaniac Calls It Quits

Dear People Blessed to Know An August Personage Such as Myself, Reaching the ripe and wizened age of three score and ten, and seeing the wonderful coverage that our hillbilly Bible-thumping football coach has recieved over the past several weeks, I have chosen this time to announce my retirement as Chancellor of the University of Mississippi. Because, let's face it: Nothing is bigger than ME. Not the Cotton Bowl win. Not the possible top 15 ranking for the football team. No, this is all about ME. I remember the good old days. On September 26, I hosted the presidential debate here at the Ford Center. Not anyone else. ME. I was like Jay Leno out there. Even better: I was like the golden god that Jay Leno prays to at night. It all came crashing down the next day. One day that Obama kid is kissing your ass, the next some Bible-thumping mouth-breather gets tackled a yard short of a first down and all MY press gets devoted to upsetting Florida. I WAS ANNOINTING BARACK OBAMA THE NIGHT BEFORE, PEOPLE! HE SOUGHT MY APPROVAL AND WISDOM! IF YOU THINK HE'S JESUS THEN I'M JOHN THE FREAKING BAPTIST! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LOOK AT ME! Then they reel off some more wins. They beat Auburn and ULM. That would have been ok if they'd stopped there. But no, these idiots kept on winning. They beat LSU and then humiliated Mississippi State. Pretty soon the alumni are restless, what with all the talk about Nutt going to Auburn. God, I hate his name. What kind of coach is named Houston anyway? Robert is such a good name. Sometimes, I call God "Bob" cause its so wicked cool. That, and it's hard to imagine anyone more awesome than Bobby K, you know? Back on the subject: What were they worried about? I mean, my record hiring football coaches speaks for itself. Tuberville: I mean, talk about a visionary. I took all of his ideas about the football facilities and Pete and I passed them off as our own for over 10 years. Sure, mine and Pete's cheap ways caused him and his staff to bolt for Auburn, where he won 85 games over 10 years. What do you expect? The man was a grandstander, what with stuff like practicing in the parking lot to highlight how bad our facilities were. But we had the blueprints we'd use for years! And I GOT ALL THE CREDIT! Cutcliffe: I'll let you in on a secret: All I did was ask Archie who he wanted to coach the team. It was pretty easy. When Eli came in, we had the money to expand the stadium and make ME look good. And that's what's important. Plus, Cut was so easy to manipulate. When I told him to jump, he didn't even ask "how high?" I got him to pimp MY new state flag design (don't believe the hype. I designed it. Me. It was so awesome that if I took sole credit, people's heads would explode). Of course, when his usefulness was up, I gently cut him loose. But think about it: if he were such hot stuff, wouldn't he have a better job than Duke? Ed Orgeron: You know, it might LOOK bad on the outside. The bar fights. The restraining order. But the man sure could lay it on thick. Possibly the best flatterer I have EVER met, outside of myself. How else could you treat your own players so badly that they'd start a facebook group about how they were glad you were fired, and still recruit well enough to get a Cotton Bowl team out of it? Nutt: Ok, this was kind of like my drunken one-night stand that ended up in a Vegas wedding. Britney did it, so it must be ok. People pay attention to her! I still don't know how it happened. One minute I'm begging Dickie Scruggs and Richard Schwartz to foot the bill for Rick Neuheisel, the next he's doing his lame "Fun is spelled W-I-N stuff." Never did I think this guy was going to take us anywhere more exotic than Shreveport. Cut, by the way, has a winter home there, did you know that? And by winning 9 games in a year, this guy has more stroke than Tiger Woods. I even had the professor ask the question about the salary at the hiring press conference. I was sure it'd trip him up. But damn he's a smooth one; I had a problem on my hands with this one. And keep in mind, I brought Andy Kennedy in as the basketball coach without showing him a single picture of Tad Smith Coliseum! All of a sudden, Houston Nutt had the adoration and attention that should have been MINE. And that can't happen. Dammit, the law school's name is being changed from the only Mississippian to sit on the Supreme Court to MINE. Its my Great Pyramid. Pete Boone is being stuffed and placed on display there, just like the Pharaohs did with their loyal servants. I haven't told him that, so keep it on the down low. Ozymandias ain't got nothing on me. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair. Do you know I had to give that Arkansas redneck a RAISE? Good Bob, do you know how much pine straw that could have bought? I'm thinking about starting a rumor that students can park on the Circle again. The ticket revenues should about cover it. Oh, the bad old days: Some kid from Memphis would be talking to his buddies out his car window and I'd have to wait to get to my parking space. Glad I solved that problem. Still haven't solved the Memphis problem. But hey, at least all those kids from Tennessee keep coming in and making our enrollment look good. So what if a third or so of our school comes from out of state? Its not like that says its easier to get in here than elsewhere. I mean, a million bucks buys a lot of brick. Sure, the academics haven't changed that much, but I've got a campus worthy of myself now. What does it matter that professors leave as long as pine straw gets brought in? I've got a place to watch operas (my Yale friends looked down on me for not having one nearby. I showed them-built my own right down the block!). I even had the brass to make sure that only a select few students got to go to opening night. They still love me. You know, Caesar Augustus found Rome a city of wood and left it a city of brick. And he's not as awesome as me. I had the stroke of a little social engineering too: The Honors College. You think its for the best and the brightest? It is. We're turning them into good little liberals all the time. We're feeding into their sense of self-esteem by telling them "Liberal Smart" and engaging them in groupthink activities. Perfect little robots, who will do my bidding long after I am weighed by Osiris' feather. Besides, this retirement will make people forget that a lot of the money I raised over the last fifteen years was tainted by some overblown judicial bribery thing. That'll blow over. After all, I, Robert Conrad Khayat, sent a letter to a judge for Dickie. ON UNIVERSITY LETTERHEAD BABY! It's so over. Dickie'll be back to his hijinks in no time. And I'll be back to flying in style on his plane. Best move I ever made, selling the name of that building to Dickie. He's such a card. The judge bribery is nothing. He's always talking people into doing things that might not be such a good idea. Once, he got Pete to eat a shoe. By Bob, it was hilarious. Pete put sauerkraut on it. He nearly cried. It'll be too bad if they actually lose their money. I haven't decided where in their backs I'll stick the knife when that happens. But I gotta do what's best for me. I gotta have people to use, you know? That's what you're all here for. Anyway, this retirement thing is sweet. I'm gonna show up one day in bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. Maybe grill some steaks in my Lyceum office. Maybe Dickie can come by. That's another thing I'm proud of: We built me not one, but TWO offices worthy of me. Too bad I had to give the Martindale one up. The view was sweet, especially when the sorority girls would go on jogs down Frat Row. Don't let the AARP card fool you. Bobby K got game. I make it rain. It is with a heavy heart that I announce my retirement as Chancellor of the University of Mississippi. I have used the position to stroke my ego immensely, and to have people see ME in the owner's box during Redskins games. Once Marty Stuart was performing on Thacker Mountain radio. I suckered him into letting me carry his guitar to the stage for him. That way, everybody in the audience got to see ME. At this time, with all the attention Houston Nutt has gotten, something must be done to remedy the lack of Bobby K in the public consciousness. With this retirement, I can assure that the front page of every newspaper and sports page has a smilin' pic of ME for a week. Regards, Swingin' Sexy Bobby K (PS that's my next move...to start using my rapper name...to keep people thinking about ME).

And We're Back

So one month later, we're back. And here at the Spot, we're not looking back at all. Yeah, the next four years are probably going to suck, but hey: We can always say we told you so, and hope for the best.

Thankfully, Intrepid Attorney General Samson has stepped up and decided to fish for another lawsuit. This is why we love him: Months after the price of oil started sliding he decided to start checking for price-gouging, wondering why there was a shortage of gas following a hurricane.

(Something tells me that the hurricane had something to do with it. I didn't even need a subpoena to come to that conclusion.)

Now, he's fishing again, this time with Entergy. I'm curious to which plaintiff's attorney is behind this, and which campaign contributor, I mean, civic-minded barrister, put the idea in Samson's mulleted cranium. This, despite the fact that the Public Service Commission actually regulates them, and should be handling things.

I love the get-rich-quick schemes these guys have come up with over the years. They've got Fred Flintstone and Ralph Kramden beat hands-down.

The Daily Mississippian Figures It Out

A lot of the alumni of the University of Mississippi have seen something of a cult of personality develop around Robert Khayat, the Chancellor of that institution. He's good at making people think he's listening to them, even when he's just waiting to turn on them. The man's a snake, make no mistake about it-he's the kind of guy whose modus operandi is to use people until they've used up their usefulness. David Cutcliffe and Rod Barnes were useful idiots when the state flag was being voted on-they made their support for Khayat's preferred design public(remember he spent about a week on Fox News lobbying?). Want to play where are they now?

The definition of a good friend to Robert Khayat is based entirely on how deep their pocketbook is. Dickie Scruggs' pocketbook is pretty deep, so his loyalty is assured. It's no surprise that he used University letterhead to beg for leniency for Dickie. After all, he's used to getting everything he wants, opposition be damned-or run off. The DM has finally figured one thing out-Khayat will not tolerate public disagreement with his agenda. Maybe soon they'll start asking-why is Pete Boone still in charge of athletics, when he refuses to raise money, and turns off fans and alumni by the dozens? Why is Carolyn Staton still employed? Why is Warner Alford, a man who, as athletic director, got the university put on probation twice, affliliated with the university at all?

The DM itself is guilty of what it accuses the university community of doing-it's given Khayat a pass since he's been chancellor (they're not the only ones-Khayat has gotten free passes from the Daily Journal, Commercial Appeal, and the Clarion-Ledger mainly because he's a prominent Mississippi liberal). Only when he's embarrassed the university do they question him. They should have been asking questions a long time ago. If they had, maybe the letterhead controversy wouldn't have taken place.

Zach Scruggs to Appeal Sentence

In other news, everybody at Parchman protests that they are innocent.

These Are Desperate Times

After a year of terrible publicity, being kicked around (and deserving every sweet minute of it), and Conway Twitty look-alike contests, it seems that a few people whose family were served at the Sanctuary Hospice House are...a little upset with Intrepid Attorney General and State Rube Samson.

http://www.djournal.com/pages/story.asp?ID=271912&pub=1&div=News

Oh, Jimmy. You had to know better than this. Then again, desperate men will cling to any rope they can get ahold of when they're drowning. First it was the backdoor tort scheme, now this. Too little, too late: The shine has come off. Once the corruption genie is out of the bottle, all the indicting, posturing, and pouting in the world won't help.

But just to point it out: Can't make the DAs do anything about Scruggsquiddick, but you absolutely have to follow the edicts of a Lee County Grand Jury? Who exactly brings stuff before the Grand Jury? Do they go around solving crimes in a van? Do they play music? Does one wear an ascot? Do they have a talking dog?

How dumb do you think we are? Wait, don't answer that-we might actually get the truth.

To Rebut Mr. Harrison

I don't think I have to make much of a case that Intrepid Attorney General and State Rube Samson is incompetent. And it's pretty self-evident that he has picked and chosen which cases his DAs would tackle and which they wouldn't. After all, cui bono-who benefits-from his office prosecuting old civil rights cases, despite the fact that he and his predecessor ignored them for a dozen years prior? Yet there are at least three 15-year old murders in Tupelo that haven't been solved. There are 20-year old disappearances in the Delta and on the Coast that spring to mind as well. Does his pity only kick in at 25 years? 30? 40? Or is it about pandering for votes for later on? I guess there's not any percieved benefits in investigating those crimes-and certainly not as much press coverage.

What about his admission that he knew-not thought, not speculated, not assumed, but knew- there were voting irregularities in his area when he was a district attorney, yet he did nothing? What about his statement that he wasn't sure that a federal judge could rule on Mississippi law, despite 220-plus years of precedent, and that pesky Supremacy Clause that any first-year Poli Sci student knows about?

What about $14 million to his campaign donors for seven legal briefs, which were probably written by the legal profession's low men on the totem pole, clerks and paralegals? What about the lack of a bid process (which is apparently bad when Haliburton gets them, despite their being the only company in the world capable of delivering on them, but okay when he's handing them out like candy to people who are 'like family?') What about flagrantly defying an Alabama judge's orders to turn over documents basically stolen from State Farm by his pal Dickie?

And while Dickie Scruggs' plea today doesn't mean that Hood is in hot water, it certainly doesn't bode well for him, does it?

Oh, yeah, and his 'making an example' of a schoolteacher while ignoring the same thing from 91 state legislators?

For those of you who have to Prosecute Family (or People Who are Close Like That)....

The Theme From "All in the Family"

Boy, the way Conway Twitty played.
Songs that made the Hit Parade.
Guys like us, we had it made.
Those were the days!
Didn't need no oversight from the state.
Everybody paid his weight!
Gee, our old legal fees ran great.
Those were the days!
And you knew where you were then!
Lawyers were lawyers and friends were friends.
Mister, we could use an auditor like Patterson again.
People seemed to be content.
Ten thousand bucks bought the trail.
Defendants had no reason to smile.
Those were the days!
Take a little Sunday spin,
go to watch the Scruggs boys win.
Have yourself a dandy day cheating insurance men.
Trials were short and mullets were long.
So what if Bobby sold verdicts for a song?
I don't know just what went wrong!
Those Were the Days!

To the surprise of none...

The state Supremes have told Samson that the Governor was actually right, and reversed the decision of Greenback Bobby Delaughter. We will be electing a senator in November instead of March.

Is there anyone out there who's had a worse start to 2008 outside of Hood? Maybe the guy in Aruba. Hey, Jimmy, there's someone you might want to go after in 40 years or so, since the Dutch are operating about as slowly as you normally do when you're not trawling for votes or doing hackjobs for your buddies.

Jim Hood opposes Legal Fees Bill

In other shocking news, bank robbers support repealing laws against bank robbery. What's next, a Kennedy opposed to Designated Drivers?

Raise your hand, class, if you were expecting anything else. Without the money he funnelled to, I mean, was awarded to his criminal, I mean, legal advisors, is he the Attorney General and State Rube today? Is he living in a nice house in Crossgates or is he in a shack in Houston that looks more like mine? Is he getting his hair cut at a nice salon or is he getting it done at home with a flowbee? Come to think of it, I think the answer to that one's pretty obvious.

No, Samson is opposed to cutting of his political benefactors from what's looking more and more like a quid pro quo arrangement, and a circle of I pay you-you pay me-we pay the judges. I wonder if the man actually realizes how close he is right now to a bunch of guys who are rolling faster than those Minnesota lumberjacks on ESPN. Funny for a man whose cultivated image is of a guy quick to jump on any crime or slight toward the common man that he's been so slow to to do just that in this case.

I guess if they'd been accused of bribing a judge against one of his political buddies, though, he'd have jumped on them with both feet, thrown them in jail, and then bragged about 'setting an example' with the prosecution.

This Just In to The Spot

A Hinds County Judge has ruled in favor of Attorney General and State Rube Samson that a special election must be held within 90 days to replace Senator Lott.

In other surprise news, Santa Clause is not real and the world is, indeed, round.

A very nice ruling by Judge DeLaughter on a day when his name has come up in association with a few of Samson's other close friends. I'll enjoy watching the state supremes scuttle this, as they have been known to do with Hinds County court rulings.