Thursday, November 1, 2007

Bryant-Franks, the Debate Part 3 (A Parody)

A Classroom Setting, with Bryant on one side, with advisors, and Franks, opposite.

Franks: The following charges are brought: First, that the Phil Bryant Campaign did knowingly violate the rules governing Mississippi Elections by mentioning the Democrat's record to voters during election season and after established free speech hours.

Steve Guyton: I'd like to address these charges one at a time, if l may.

Steve Holland: You'll get your chance, smart guy. [to Franks] Get on with it.

Hampton: Second, that for the twelfth consecutive year, Phil Bryant has achieved a deficient auditing of pork barrell lamebrained projects.

Guyton: We're the only department that actually cared about the beef plant.

Steve Holland: You will speak when you're told to, and not before! [to Franks) Read.

Franks: Third, that the State Auditor routinely provided dangerous narcotic diet pills to its employees during--

Guyton: That's not true!

Steve Holland: Not another word!

Franks: During tax preparatory week. And most recently...that a campaign party was held from which we have received two dozen reports of individual acts of campaign contributions so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.


Bryant: Point of parliamentary procedure!

Guyton: Don't screw around, they're serious this time!

Bryant: Take it easy, I'm pre-law.

Tate Reeves: I thought you were pre-med.

Bryant: What's the difference?

Bryant: Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we enforced a few laws, or didn't take a few liberties with our job responsibility - we did. [winks at Steve Holland] But you can't hold a whole department responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals in the legislature. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole Mississippi political system? And if the whole Mississippi political system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our state institutions in general? I put it to you, David Hampton - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but I for one am not going to stand here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America! Gentlemen!

[Leads the Republicans out of the hearing, all humming the Star-Spangled Banner]

Hampton: Order!

Holland: You've done it this time buster! No more State Auditor! I'm calling the national Republican office! I'm going to revoke your auditor's credentials! And if you wiseguys do one more thing, one more, I'll kick you off this election! No more elections of any kind!

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