Dear People Blessed to Know An August Personage Such as Myself,
Reaching the ripe and wizened age of three score and ten, and seeing the wonderful coverage that our hillbilly Bible-thumping football coach has recieved over the past several weeks, I have chosen this time to announce my retirement as Chancellor of the University of Mississippi. Because, let's face it: Nothing is bigger than ME.
Not the Cotton Bowl win. Not the possible top 15 ranking for the football team. No, this is all about ME.
I remember the good old days. On September 26, I hosted the presidential debate here at the Ford Center. Not anyone else. ME. I was like Jay Leno out there. Even better: I was like the golden god that Jay Leno prays to at night. It all came crashing down the next day. One day that Obama kid is kissing your ass, the next some Bible-thumping mouth-breather gets tackled a yard short of a first down and all MY press gets devoted to upsetting Florida.
I WAS ANNOINTING BARACK OBAMA THE NIGHT BEFORE, PEOPLE! HE SOUGHT MY APPROVAL AND WISDOM! IF YOU THINK HE'S JESUS THEN I'M JOHN THE FREAKING BAPTIST! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LOOK AT ME!
Then they reel off some more wins. They beat Auburn and ULM. That would have been ok if they'd stopped there. But no, these idiots kept on winning. They beat LSU and then humiliated Mississippi State. Pretty soon the alumni are restless, what with all the talk about Nutt going to Auburn. God, I hate his name. What kind of coach is named Houston anyway? Robert is such a good name. Sometimes, I call God "Bob" cause its so wicked cool. That, and it's hard to imagine anyone more awesome than Bobby K, you know?
Back on the subject: What were they worried about? I mean, my record hiring football coaches speaks for itself.
Tuberville: I mean, talk about a visionary. I took all of his ideas about the football facilities and Pete and I passed them off as our own for over 10 years. Sure, mine and Pete's cheap ways caused him and his staff to bolt for Auburn, where he won 85 games over 10 years. What do you expect? The man was a grandstander, what with stuff like practicing in the parking lot to highlight how bad our facilities were. But we had the blueprints we'd use for years! And I GOT ALL THE CREDIT!
Cutcliffe: I'll let you in on a secret: All I did was ask Archie who he wanted to coach the team. It was pretty easy. When Eli came in, we had the money to expand the stadium and make ME look good. And that's what's important. Plus, Cut was so easy to manipulate. When I told him to jump, he didn't even ask "how high?" I got him to pimp MY new state flag design (don't believe the hype. I designed it. Me. It was so awesome that if I took sole credit, people's heads would explode). Of course, when his usefulness was up, I gently cut him loose. But think about it: if he were such hot stuff, wouldn't he have a better job than Duke?
Ed Orgeron: You know, it might LOOK bad on the outside. The bar fights. The restraining order. But the man sure could lay it on thick. Possibly the best flatterer I have EVER met, outside of myself. How else could you treat your own players so badly that they'd start a facebook group about how they were glad you were fired, and still recruit well enough to get a Cotton Bowl team out of it?
Nutt: Ok, this was kind of like my drunken one-night stand that ended up in a Vegas wedding. Britney did it, so it must be ok. People pay attention to her! I still don't know how it happened. One minute I'm begging Dickie Scruggs and Richard Schwartz to foot the bill for Rick Neuheisel, the next he's doing his lame "Fun is spelled W-I-N stuff." Never did I think this guy was going to take us anywhere more exotic than Shreveport. Cut, by the way, has a winter home there, did you know that? And by winning 9 games in a year, this guy has more stroke than Tiger Woods.
I even had the professor ask the question about the salary at the hiring press conference. I was sure it'd trip him up. But damn he's a smooth one; I had a problem on my hands with this one. And keep in mind, I brought Andy Kennedy in as the basketball coach without showing him a single picture of Tad Smith Coliseum!
All of a sudden, Houston Nutt had the adoration and attention that should have been MINE. And that can't happen. Dammit, the law school's name is being changed from the only Mississippian to sit on the Supreme Court to MINE. Its my Great Pyramid. Pete Boone is being stuffed and placed on display there, just like the Pharaohs did with their loyal servants. I haven't told him that, so keep it on the down low. Ozymandias ain't got nothing on me. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair.
Do you know I had to give that Arkansas redneck a RAISE? Good Bob, do you know how much pine straw that could have bought? I'm thinking about starting a rumor that students can park on the Circle again. The ticket revenues should about cover it. Oh, the bad old days: Some kid from Memphis would be talking to his buddies out his car window and I'd have to wait to get to my parking space. Glad I solved that problem. Still haven't solved the Memphis problem. But hey, at least all those kids from Tennessee keep coming in and making our enrollment look good. So what if a third or so of our school comes from out of state? Its not like that says its easier to get in here than elsewhere.
I mean, a million bucks buys a lot of brick. Sure, the academics haven't changed that much, but I've got a campus worthy of myself now. What does it matter that professors leave as long as pine straw gets brought in? I've got a place to watch operas (my Yale friends looked down on me for not having one nearby. I showed them-built my own right down the block!). I even had the brass to make sure that only a select few students got to go to opening night. They still love me. You know, Caesar Augustus found Rome a city of wood and left it a city of brick. And he's not as awesome as me.
I had the stroke of a little social engineering too: The Honors College. You think its for the best and the brightest? It is. We're turning them into good little liberals all the time. We're feeding into their sense of self-esteem by telling them "Liberal Smart" and engaging them in groupthink activities. Perfect little robots, who will do my bidding long after I am weighed by Osiris' feather.
Besides, this retirement will make people forget that a lot of the money I raised over the last fifteen years was tainted by some overblown judicial bribery thing. That'll blow over. After all, I, Robert Conrad Khayat, sent a letter to a judge for Dickie. ON UNIVERSITY LETTERHEAD BABY! It's so over. Dickie'll be back to his hijinks in no time. And I'll be back to flying in style on his plane. Best move I ever made, selling the name of that building to Dickie. He's such a card. The judge bribery is nothing. He's always talking people into doing things that might not be such a good idea. Once, he got Pete to eat a shoe. By Bob, it was hilarious. Pete put sauerkraut on it. He nearly cried. Oh the times we had at Joey Langston's place. It'll be too bad if they actually lose their money. I haven't decided where in their backs I'll stick the knife when that happens. But I gotta do what's best for me. I gotta have people to use, you know? That's what you're all here for.
Anyway, this retirement thing is sweet. I'm gonna show up one day in bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. Maybe grill some steaks in my Lyceum office. Maybe Dickie can come by. That's another thing I'm proud of: We built me not one, but TWO offices worthy of me. Too bad I had to give the Martindale one up. The view was sweet, especially when the sorority girls would go on jogs down Frat Row. Don't let the AARP card fool you. Bobby K got game. I make it rain.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce my retirement as Chancellor of the University of Mississippi. I have used the position to stroke my ego immensely, and to have people see ME in the owner's box during Redskins games. Once Marty Stuart was performing on Thacker Mountain radio. I suckered him into letting me carry his guitar to the stage for him. That way, everybody in the audience got to see ME. At this time, with all the attention Houston Nutt has gotten, something must be done to remedy the lack of Bobby K in the public consciousness. With this retirement, I can assure that the front page of every newspaper and sports page has a smilin' pic of ME for a week.
Swingin' Sexy Bobby K
(PS that's my next move...to start using my rapper name...to keep people thinking about ME).