Franks on the Record (A Parody)

1) Why are you best qualified to lead the Mississippi State Senate in the next term as lieutenant governor?

Well, first of all, Steve and Billy think I'd do an awesome job. Second, I'm in good health, which makes me an even more attractive candidate. Third, I like money-I'd like to have some more of it. The job pays well. I think that's a perfect match. Fourth, Steve told me that I get to whip the ass of a queer every week. It's in the constitution or something.

2) What issues separate you from your opponent and define your campaign?

I don't own a bunch of Liberace and Elton John records like he does, for starters. That's big right there. He hates Jesus. I know that for a fact. He hates old people, the poor and kids. I have it on good authority he hates his own children. He likes to ramble on about things like "physical responsibility" and "budges" like anyone knows what those have to do with state government. Plus he talks like Haley Barbour doesn't have cooties. Barbour is a good man, but he does have cooties. Billy told me so.
Also I know how to pass a law. I was a committee chairman. Billy gave me a big ole gavel and I hit it a bunch. It takes 62 votes to pass a law. Phil doesn't know that. Steve told me Hob would help me in the senate cause it's different and stuff. It takes like 20 or something there.

Third, I'll be totally independent. Billy and Steve said they'd handle all the hard stuff, I'd just have to hit the gavel. It's bigger than my chairman gavel. I've been hitting the weights for a long time to handle it.

3) You've been attacked as "too liberal for Mississippi" in recent TV ads. Based on your record, why are those charges unfair or unfounded?

Yeah, it's unfair. I mean, anyone can charge people with being liberal. Steve says we aren't, anyway. That should settle it for most people. Sure, I gave money to John Kerry and Al Gore, just about the federal maximum, but they're just going to be president and stuff. It's not like they were going to push for gay rights or something. I've banned gay marraige and adoption and soon I'll ban gay people with my 'whip the ass of a queer' legislation. I mean, they were against abortion and didn't want to take peoples' guns. Bill swore they'd never do anything like that. And we all know that they wouldn't have raised taxes-they'd have just readjusted the rates to the Clinton ones from 2000. I mean, it sounds the same as a tax hike, but it's not. I don't know why people think I voted for wasteful spending. The beef plant was the Nissan for rural Mississippi. We're so pleased with it. That's just good economic investment.

4) You voted for the beef plant. You said yesterday that your opponent had a significant role in the plant's failure. How should the voters fairly judge both candidates based on the beef plant's failure?

I think I shouldn't be judged on it at all. We had the best of intentions. Sure, we didn't listen to anyone who knew anything about economics and agriculture, and we appropriated money to a guy who'd failed at the same thing elsewhere. Anyone could make that mistake. It was an honest one. Now Phil? I think he has a man-crush on Richard Hall and the contractor guy. I mean, it's not like he investigated it with the feds or anything. Plus, Jim always wanted to play detectives. You know Bilbo used to do it all the time. He'd pretend to do something bad to get someone else in trouble. We love Bilbo. I liked the movie about the rings. Those little guys were so cute. But they were probably gay for each other. And that's not right.

5) You sued the Itawamba County School District and Fair View Junior High.

I don't know anything about that.

6) Your name is on the paperwork.

Listen queer, I don't know anything about that. If you ask about it again I'll whip your ass.

7) Jeremy Martin-

I don't know who that is.

8) He was your opponent in 2003. You outspent him 4-1 and barely won.

Quit that. Everyone knows I was so loved that no one would run against me.

9) He ended up in jail just months after the race. In the Daily Journal, you claimed to have turned him in after a constituent informed you of financial improprieties, and you turned it over to the Attorney General.

If he went to jail, it's because he's a butt bandit. Butt bandits should go to jail. I didn't have anything do do with that.

10) You were quoted in the paper-

Listen, paperboy, I didn't do nothing. Not another word about it.

11) The Osama lawsuit...

You must hate America if you don't want me to sue Osama.
12) Is crime an issue?

No. There is no crime in district 19 because people are afraid I'll whip their ass if they step out of line. When I'm Lt. Governor, there will be no crime at all.

13) We pundits at the Clarion Ledger think, without the benefit of a poll, that the race appears to be tightening. How do you like your chances at victory at this point?

Steve and Billy say Phil's scared, and I believe them. They tell me I'm good looking, and young, but not in a queer way, cause if they did, I'd whip their ass. I think I'm gonna win and win big, because nobody in their right mind would vote for a queer who hates Jesus and grandma like Phil Bryant.