Jim Hood's Announcement Speech-EXCLUSIVE First Draft

Below is the EXCLUSIVE first draft of Jim Hood's Announcement Speech. Please credit us here at the Spot for any excerpts.

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Hello Darlin'. Nice to see ya.

Oh, wait, this is my announcement speech, not next week's Conway Twitty Look-Alike Contest. That one's on me.

My fellow Mississippians,

Over the last 10 years, while I've been in Houston-not Jackson, you understand, because I'm a good old country boy from Houston, not a lawyer that moved to Jackson first chance he got-being your Attorney General, I've done a lot of things I'm proud of.  

I've defended allowing liberal activists to sue you if you dissent from their agenda.

I've defended the idea that a judge in Jackson should be the education czar for the state.

I've gone after Google to figure out which of you are pill-poppers (not to get your search information, heavens no, just to keep you off the drugs you criminals want). 

I've tried to make it illegal for adults to vape, or to consume alcohol that might have some kind of flavor other than "acetylene torch."

I've smeared every opponent as BEING FOR CRIME BECAUSE THEY WERE AGIN' JIM HOOD.

I've insisted there is no voter fraud, ever. But I've also made sure you knew whenever we, I mean *I* prosecuted someone for it.

I've made sure that you couldn't engage in the sin of...daily fantasy sports.

I've made sure you were protected from the paperwork snafus of my cronies' opponents.

I've also made sure that fine public servants such as Ike Brown are allowed to practice their service without so much as a peep from me.

And any time I've been cornered on an issue, I've demurred cryptically to Jesus, to make sure you rubes get to hear me say it without ever actually giving a position that might expose me for the fake "moderate" I am. 

So you see, I want to make sure that I can continue to give you the benefit of my services for the next four years as governor. And with the help of my friends at the Clarion Ledger, Daily Journal, and Sun-Herald, not to mention all the fine folks from out of state that want to see me succeed, we can continue this record of success. Even if you don't want it.

Also, if you're in the area, I'm competing at the Tri-States Conway Twitty Look-Alike Contest at the old train depot in Potluck, Arkansas next weekend. Hope to see you there!

These Boots are Made for Quaking

So, does anyone out there believe that Attorney General and State Rube Samson is sweating bullets from underneath the Conway Twitty special he's got going on?

No wonder the FBI keeps him out of the loop on investigations, as Sid Salter intimated on his blog during the campaign (Sorry Sid-I can't find your blog on that Labyrinth you guys call a website)-his buddies were all about to get popped by the Feds. In all honesty, this has got to torpedo so many of Samson and the Godfather Mike Moore's plans in the coming years. Heck, it cuts into their campaign finances significantly. It's gonna make those Friday night poker games a lot lonelier, and the pot's gonna get a whole lot smaller.

Somewhere, all those people who've been squashed by Dickie and Joey and their buddies, who've lost a job because of their orgy of lawsuits, who've had their names drug through the mud in the press, who've been pushed and intimidated, are sitting back, cracking open a cold beer, and enjoying life just a little bit more.

Samson Wants A Wiretap...

Gallo, Lange, Salter: If the phone sounds funny, Conway Twitty may be recording.

Samson Antagonized

Good ole' Samson, our attorney general, abstained from an elections commission response to Judge Pepper's voter ID ruling because he doesn't know if a federal judge has the right to rule on Mississippi law.

A few precedents for our folically-gifted friend:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_v._Board_of_Education

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supremacy_clause

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gomillion_v._lightfoot

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heart_of_Atlanta_Motel_v._United_States

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loving_v._Virginia

And people seriously want this rube to enforce the law in this state? He barely understands the concept. Of course, he also doesn't understand that there's no Conway Twitty look-alike contests any time soon.

Future Clarion-Ledger Exclusives on Immigrant Detainee

Immigrant Detainee Has Lunch

Immigrant Detainee Watches TV

Immigrant Detainee Buys Groceries

Immigrant Detainee Drinks Milkshake

Immigrant Detainee Walks Down Street

Immigrant Detainee Sings Karaoke

Immigrant Detainee Searches For Bigfoot

Immigrant Detainee Contacts Elvis

Immigrant Detainee Finds Pot of Gold at End of Rainbow

Immigrant Detainee Can Believe It's Not Butter

After what seems like forever, how far are we from seeing these headlines? I know a manipulative sob story when I read one. It's almost like...she's getting exactly what she wants. Fawning press coverage from the state's newspaper, which is owned by a national newspaper brand, which will then be on national wires.

Between that and the distinct "this is Anti-Woman" slant of the last week (keeping up with "Anti-Woman" bills? Who exactly determines that?) it's like...they're setting up a narrative. Who benefits? Other than the state's finest Conway Twitty impersonator, you mean?

For those of you who have to Prosecute Family (or People Who are Close Like That)....

The Theme From "All in the Family"

Boy, the way Conway Twitty played.
Songs that made the Hit Parade.
Guys like us, we had it made.
Those were the days!
Didn't need no oversight from the state.
Everybody paid his weight!
Gee, our old legal fees ran great.
Those were the days!
And you knew where you were then!
Lawyers were lawyers and friends were friends.
Mister, we could use an auditor like Patterson again.
People seemed to be content.
Ten thousand bucks bought the trail.
Defendants had no reason to smile.
Those were the days!
Take a little Sunday spin,
go to watch the Scruggs boys win.
Have yourself a dandy day cheating insurance men.
Trials were short and mullets were long.
So what if Bobby sold verdicts for a song?
I don't know just what went wrong!
Those Were the Days!

These Are Desperate Times

After a year of terrible publicity, being kicked around (and deserving every sweet minute of it), and Conway Twitty look-alike contests, it seems that a few people whose family were served at the Sanctuary Hospice House are...a little upset with Intrepid Attorney General and State Rube Samson.

http://www.djournal.com/pages/story.asp?ID=271912&pub=1&div=News

Oh, Jimmy. You had to know better than this. Then again, desperate men will cling to any rope they can get ahold of when they're drowning. First it was the backdoor tort scheme, now this. Too little, too late: The shine has come off. Once the corruption genie is out of the bottle, all the indicting, posturing, and pouting in the world won't help.

But just to point it out: Can't make the DAs do anything about Scruggsquiddick, but you absolutely have to follow the edicts of a Lee County Grand Jury? Who exactly brings stuff before the Grand Jury? Do they go around solving crimes in a van? Do they play music? Does one wear an ascot? Do they have a talking dog?

How dumb do you think we are? Wait, don't answer that-we might actually get the truth.

Back to that Picture...

I promise, that's as flattering a picture of Jim Hood as can be run. The man looks happy, you can't see the effects of gravity on his neck, there's very little mullet showing, and he's smiling like he just won the Greater Chickasaw County Conway Twitty Look-Alike Contest, Silent Auction, Bake Sale and Gun Show.

(I happen to know that while he refrains from singing "Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man" and "Hello Darlin'," since everyone does them, but he spits out a mean version of "Boogie Grass Band.")

http://www.ceder.net/recorddb/lyrics_viewsingle.php4?LyricsId=867

I just find it interesting that they couldn't have run a picture of Al Hopkins that doesn't make him look like he's about to slap the taste out of someones mouth because they're asking stupid questions. But, I guess if I was sitting in a room with the yokels that run the Tupelo Daily Urinal and had to listen to their speechifying-I mean, questioning-I'd have that look, too.