Scenes from a Funeral Parlor (A Parody)

The place: A funeral home in Lee County.

The young man walks into the office of the Funeral Director. He's very chipper about seeing his old friend. "Hi, buddy, how ya doin'?" He asks, pulling up a chair, and getting his behind about halfway down when he's stopped by the Director, a much larger older man.

"Don't bother sittin' down, Junior, this ain't gonna take long." The big man is now looking up through his glasses, at what appears to be a list of names and phone numbers. He puts the list down, and lights a cigar.

"You called me here," the younger man says, confused.

"You're darn tootin' I did. We need to talk about these folks you've been callin' here lately. I don't like it, don't like it one bit. This foolishness has got to stop, you understand me? All the boys agree with me, too." The big man leans back in his chair, putting his hands across his girth.

"What? I'm just talking to my old donors, trying to put up some cash for-" he began, but is cut off by the Director.

"You ain't doin' nothin', kid. Not a blessed thing. These folks here-" he holds up the list with names, addresses, and more, "ain't givin' you a thing. Do you know why they ain't gonna give you nothin', boy?" The young man shrugs. "They don't like losers, and you're a loser. Worse, you're a big loser. You're like Ohio State. Nobody wants to associate with you. You ain't gettin' no money, and I've seen to that."

"Why are you doing this?"

The director laughs. "Because, you're old news. You're a joke. Did you really think anyone would be lining up to help you after you lost your own home county? There's another reason you won't be getting their money, of course." The big man pauses, then continues. "It's all coming to me, anyway."

He lets the news sink in, then proceeds. "It was never about you, boy. You ain't gonna have a dime in this race unless you spend all that money you snookered out of folks. You better just forget about this whole thing now, and tell 'em you're out, 'cause you are. You just found out from me. You can tell 'em its about the job, you can say you're tired, and of course you can use your kids-that's always popular. But you're out. I just wanted you to hear it from me."