Bryant-Franks, the Debate

From the Franks for Lt. Governor Campaign, For Immediate Release

The rules have been set for the Lt. Governor debate between candidates Rep. Jamie Franks Jr. and State Auditor Phil Bryant. The debate will be held on the planet Vulcan. The format of the debate will be trial-by-combat in the traditional Vulcan manner.



When asked for his response to the format, candidate Franks responded, "I stand for traditional values just like my fellow working men and women. Phil Bryant is a queer and I'll whip his ass."

Bryant responded, "This is stupid. Who came up with these rules?"



Franks spokesman James Hull, when asked about the use of Vulcan rituals for a Lt. Governor's debate in Mississippi, stated, "Those fairies Jeremy Martin and Mark Duvall and Paul Gallo had no concept of it either. We sheathe it with rituals and customs shrouded in antiquity – you humans have no conception. It strips our minds from us; it brings a madness which rips away our veneer of civilization. It is the election–the time of debating... There are precedents in nature... the giant eel-birds of Regulus Five. Once each eleven years, they must return to the caverns where they hatched. On your Earth, the salmon. They must return to that one stream where they were born, to spawn – or die in trying."



To which Bryant responded, "That's gross. You mean he gets off on it?"



Mr. Franks replied, "This proves that he's just a gay blade who's a puppet of the even bigger gay blade, Haley Barbour. I had hoped I would be spared this, but the ancient drives are too strong. Eventually, they catch up with us... and we are driven by forces we cannot control – to return home, and take an office... or die."

Veteran columnist Bill Minor weighed in, noting that the reluctance of Bryant to debate "proved once again that Bryant has no substantive answer to Franks' platform-which is very strong in the areas of education, cigarette taxes, ritual combat, and the ass-whipping of queers, of which he is an expert without peer."



Clarion Ledger editor David Hampton added, "Jamie Franks is a well-funded candidate who hits many of the issues of import to working class Mississippians where Bryant is the weakest-most notably the issue of violent bloodsport."

The debate will occur whenever sissy-boy Phil Bryant stops cowering in fear from his well-deserved ass-whipping.