Jim Hood's Announcement Speech-EXCLUSIVE First Draft

Below is the EXCLUSIVE first draft of Jim Hood's Announcement Speech. Please credit us here at the Spot for any excerpts.

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Hello Darlin'. Nice to see ya.

Oh, wait, this is my announcement speech, not next week's Conway Twitty Look-Alike Contest. That one's on me.

My fellow Mississippians,

Over the last 10 years, while I've been in Houston-not Jackson, you understand, because I'm a good old country boy from Houston, not a lawyer that moved to Jackson first chance he got-being your Attorney General, I've done a lot of things I'm proud of.  

I've defended allowing liberal activists to sue you if you dissent from their agenda.

I've defended the idea that a judge in Jackson should be the education czar for the state.

I've gone after Google to figure out which of you are pill-poppers (not to get your search information, heavens no, just to keep you off the drugs you criminals want). 

I've tried to make it illegal for adults to vape, or to consume alcohol that might have some kind of flavor other than "acetylene torch."

I've smeared every opponent as BEING FOR CRIME BECAUSE THEY WERE AGIN' JIM HOOD.

I've insisted there is no voter fraud, ever. But I've also made sure you knew whenever we, I mean *I* prosecuted someone for it.

I've made sure that you couldn't engage in the sin of...daily fantasy sports.

I've made sure you were protected from the paperwork snafus of my cronies' opponents.

I've also made sure that fine public servants such as Ike Brown are allowed to practice their service without so much as a peep from me.

And any time I've been cornered on an issue, I've demurred cryptically to Jesus, to make sure you rubes get to hear me say it without ever actually giving a position that might expose me for the fake "moderate" I am. 

So you see, I want to make sure that I can continue to give you the benefit of my services for the next four years as governor. And with the help of my friends at the Clarion Ledger, Daily Journal, and Sun-Herald, not to mention all the fine folks from out of state that want to see me succeed, we can continue this record of success. Even if you don't want it.

Also, if you're in the area, I'm competing at the Tri-States Conway Twitty Look-Alike Contest at the old train depot in Potluck, Arkansas next weekend. Hope to see you there!