A Play, in Two Acts

A nice read on Bill Simmon's site, The Ringer, on Sports and Politics.

Sports, Worship and You

It's a nice theory, but I have a better one. But first, read this piece of damage control:

https://twitter.com/Rachel__Nichols/status/833038757410512898

You, sports writer, are a celebrity worshiper.

Of course, you are sympathizing with the underdog! Who happens to be your lifeline to a better life, to more prestige, to more fame for yourself. The tweet above is my exhibit A. Kyrie Irving, if you haven't heard, thinks the Earth is flat. Rachel Nichols is in full damage control mode, but Irving never says he doesn't think the world is round. He rambles a bit about the state of media and reporting. And to someone with a vested interest in keeping the celebrity happy makes sense of it and falls in line for damage control.

She follows up by stating that he did get into Duke, after all. Because no one with screwy ideas could ever go to Duke, right? And it's not like anyone with screwy ideas could ever teach at Duke, right?

Maybe celebrity worshiper is too much. Celebrity enabler is more appropriate.

They feel like they're courageous, but really, I think they're motivated by fear. Fear of losing access to the golden goose. In that, they're now exactly like their political counterparts.

Oh ESPN...

As I was driving yesterday, I was listening to one of ESPN's numerous talking head radio shows. I can't remember the hosts names, which tells me how deep on the bench they are. One of the things they were pontificating on was Carmelo Anthony's decision to speak out in regards to the recent spate of officer-involved shootings.

The two hosts stated that it was nice to hear an athlete using his celebrity to speak out on social issues. And how great it was that he was using the platform for social change. And how more athletes needed to speak out on societal issues.

And then the wham line.

"No matter what their view."

Hold up. Hang on. Stop. Wait just one freaking minute.

ESPN has given any sports figure who holds a worldview that is not in line with the coastal elite a beating since they've gone full-on social justice warrior. Mike Wallace, Curt Schilling, Chris Brussard, Matt Birk-all got raked over the coals by ESPN due to their beliefs. They've gone so far as to give a courage award to Bruce Jenner, in a year when a college basketball player played through a brain tumor and an amputee combat vet won marathons. They've turned an Entertainment and Sports Programming Network into the Entirely Social Justice Network.

Do not tell me that you want people speaking out "no matter their beliefs."

Mr. Schilling was unavailable for ESPN to get his comment. I assume he was busy picking his jaw up off of the floor.

This Cannot Be!

George W. Bush just flipped the coin for the first game at the new Cowboys Stadium. How can this be? Barack Obama is the first president to like sports! I know this because ESPN has told me so! Surely, there can only be one explanation. Jerry Jones is racist.

Sarcasm meters on high, please.

Can I Get Something Off My Chest?

Obama's first pitch Tuesday night sucked. No two ways about it.

Do you know how you can tell it sucked? Because ESPN has spent the last three days replaying it over and over again, and talking about how great it was. I have seen some first pitches in my life, and that one took the taco for bad first pitches. William Howard Taft, the first president to throw out a pitch, must be rolling over in his grave at the thought of how awful the pitch was.

Let's break it down:

1) The delivery: Awful. Clunky and ungraceful. Obama can speech with the best of 'em. His windup, on the other hand, is awful. And don't give me the excuse of a bulletproof vest. GWB and Reagan threw strikes wearing them, and both of them from the rubber, not the foot of the mound.

2) The result: Albert Pujols sat right on top of the plate. He had to move to keep the ball from bouncing in front of him.

3) Cominsky Field. I can forgive the misproununciation of the name (Comiskey, but southsiders say it like that). It hearkens back to Jeff Gordon's awful "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"...in which he referred to Wrigley Stadium. Say it with me, Dear Leader: Comiskey Park.

4) The "Obama as Regular Joe" story. I hate these. Somehow, being a sports fan is unique? Did no other president like sports? I mean, other than Reagan, Ford, Nixon, Kennedy, Eisenhower (all college football players), GHW Bush (Gold Glove baseball player at Yale), Carter (High school basketball star), and GWB (former baseball owner) there's not a president in recent memory who loved sports like Obama! Spare me. The man's spent some time talking about the BCS! He's just like you and me! Gag.

One more reason to hate the worldwide brainwasher.

Congratulations on Your Bracket, Mr. President...

Now get to work filling out your Treasury Department, you lazy bum.

I Have Learned So Much Today

Today, I learned that it's ok to be proud of your country.

How do I know this? ESPN is covering the inauguration. As you know, Constant Readers, I just loooove when the Worldwide Brainwasher gets into the political arena. I love it as much as I love mixing wine with beer. Interviews abound!

But hey, everything is now ok. America is good again! You can wave a flag that's not upside down! Hollywood can once again make movies about how good Americans are! George Clooney can play a government operative who isn't a slimeball! The world loves us again! The president likes sports! HE'S JUST LIKE YOU AND ME!

(On the last one: Rome, you're a dummy. "How nice is it to have a president who is a sports fan in office?" Um, did you forget the years that GWB OWNED the Texas Rangers? How about Bill Clinton's numerous bits on your own network about his love for sports, especially pickup basketball? What about college baseball player George H. W. Bush? Or former college football players Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon, and John Kennedy? What about former All-American football player Gerald Ford? High school basketball star Jimmy Carter? How many presidents aren't sports fans? The fellatio has reached a new level of stupidity.)

Worship and adore him.

We Are Not a Cult, Spoiled Athlete Edition

Dallas Maverick Josh Howard gives his opinion of a number of subjects in this cell phone recording:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdyB0IEPAH0

Clemens, Bonds and the Meta-Story

(And that title is not a typo)

This morning I spent 7 or 8 minutes of my life trying to get back to sleep after waking (this is normal on a weekend morning). When it became apparent that I would not succeed, I took to my other Sunday morning post-waking ritual: Watching the Sports Reporters on ESPN (get your head out of the gutter, constant reader).

Now, the show is often a vacuum chamber of intellect, especially since Jason Whitlock and Ralph Wiley no longer do the show (Whitlock because of a personal beef with Mike Lupica, Wiley because, well, he's dead) with more emphasis placed on bombast and snarky one-liners than on actually discussing what's going on in the sports universe. I watch that show already five times a week-it's called PTI, and it's a better product. But the show is humorous in its bombast, and how it's gone from discussing how good the Celtics can be or the Santana trade's effects on the National League and into the realm of the Serious Sports Story.

Now anyone who watches ESPN knows that damn near every week they've gotta have the Serious Sports Story, about the gay fencer with one leg, the other lost in a tragic accident due to his violent past that he's since renounced. And it's particularly bad during the "My Wish" month, where we get them every day and a dose of Rascal Flatts to boot. Gag me with a maggot, please. Give me the score, some stats and a highlight. I'll even take the Philly Phanatic's latest shenannigans over that crap.

This weeks' serious sports story revolved around the real Big Sports Story of the week, which is the Roger Clemens Steroids Hearing. Now, getting past how silly it is for Congress to be having a hearing on this while ignoring the expiration of the Protect America Act (more on that later), and the strange accusations of Republicans 'protecting' Clemens with their questions, the Sports Reporters focused on the Meta Story as it relates to the whole HGH thing: Race.

In the media, a Meta Story is the overarching theme that they'll use to pound things in your head. For instance, during the days of the Duke 'Rape' Case, the Meta Story was: Rich White Athletes Victimize Poor Minority. When the facts didn't turn out to support the Meta Story, the media forgot their meta story, and frankly, forgot the Duke case. Of course, Google never forgets: If you don't believe me, Google "Reid Seigleman" and see how many articles come up regarding his GPA.

This Meta Story is: The Double Standard, in which a minority is accused of something and assumed guilty (Barry Bonds) and a white person is accused of the same thing (Roger Clemens) and treated innocently. Here, of course, is the problem: Most of us, I think, do assume Roger Clemens has been cheating. I certainly do-what benefit does Andy Pettite have for lying? They of course point out how people assumed the Bonds Late-Career Renaissance was artificially enhanced, yet never questioned how Clemens could do the same and never questioned.

It's a simple answer: It's baseball. Comparing what Bonds and Clemens do is like comparing Hemmingway to Picasso. Yes, both are artists, but they work in completely different mediums. Hemmingway ended up eating the business end of a shotgun; Picasso died at a dinner party while giving a toast to himself. Bonds is a position player, expected to play every day, and expected to put more of a strain on his body. Clemens is a starting pitcher, expected to play maybe twice a week and spend the rest of his time golfing and filing his nails. Heck, he didn't even travel with the Astros during his stint with them if he wasn't pitching during the road trip.

Also, it's a pretty rare thing for a player to be the best in the game deep into his 30s and in his 40s. Hank Aaron didn't hit more than 20 homers his last three years, retiring at age 42. In 1934, Babe Ruth, at 39 years old, hit 22 homers; he retired partway through the '35 season. Mark McGwire played his final game in 2001 at the age of 38; he hit .187, though with 29 homers. Barry Bonds hit 28 homers last year, with an average of .276. He'll turn 44 midseason.

Meanwhile, it's not unusual for a pitcher to be effective late in his career. Uh, Tommy John had a freaking elbow transplant (not really, but you get it) and won 164 games after the surgery, retiring at age 46. Phil Niekro pitched until he was 48; though a knuckleballer, he won his 300th game throwing just one knuckler. Steve Carlton played until he was 44. Nolan Ryan pitched for 27 years, until he was 46 (and still kicked Robin Ventura's butt in a fight). Warren Spahn won 23 games at 42 years old. So it wasn't out of the question for a guy to play at a high level into his 40s as a pitcher. Heck, Greg Maddux is still effective, and nobody will ever accuse him of juicing. It wasn't without precedent for Clemens to have the success he's had post-40 in the same way Bonds did. He is 45 years old.

Still, they'll use the Race Meta Story ad nauseum until the next sports controversy can be labeled with a Meta Story. And I'll increasingly go to Fox for my sports coverage. They actually cover the games. Strange they should do that instead of the gay lacross players, huh?